in the process of decluttering before prince antonio arrives (bene daye's name for her brother...and nothing close to his real name), i have uncovered all of my old journals. mostly, ones from middle and high school; the ones fraught with teenage angst, bitterness and confusion. boy, i thought my world was ending in some of those entries. and over what? well...
1. the fact that jon erik, the hottest, dreamiest and most-coveted boy in high
school (and a senior), wouldn't give me (a freshman) the time of day
2. or that i couldn't get my nose pierced at 14?
3. or that my parents wouldn't let me go see pearl jam two states away...at 15
years old...with other 15 and 16 year olds.
4. or that i was never asked to ANY dance in middle or high school.
5. or that katie and mandy had it out for me for their own ridiculous reasons and
made 7th grade a nightmare.
6. or that i went to a salon to get a "body wave" like alyssa milano and came out
looking like bernadette peters.
7. or that donnie whalberg from NKOTB never wrote me back after i sent him a care
package and i cried for weeks. i just KNEW i would be the one fan he would fall
in love with and see that i loved him for him and not because he was famous.
8. or in highschool when kurt cobain and jerry garcia died and i skipped school with
my friends to "remember" them.
9. or when andrea, nishah, tiffani and i stuffed our sleeping bags, snuck out of her
parents house, met up with some neighborhood boys and went swimming at 3 o'clock
in the morning. but we got caught by her big, scary mom who then called our
parents to come pick us up and get us the $@*# out of her house.
10. or the night i accidentally burned my friends car down to a black frame because
i was irresponsible with a cigarette...okay, when my parents got the phonecall
about this one, my life really was in danger! I BURNED A CAR UP!!! not to
mention andrea's parents, who asked me to replace the car.
it's amazing to me that now i can laugh at every one of these seemingly life-ending moments...with the exception of #9 and #10. they could have been much worse and i would kill my daughter if she snuck out to go swimming with random boys at 3am! demetrius is bewildered by the fact that teenage girls journal as much as they do and that they want to remember everything, good and bad...and then hold onto the journals for twenty years! teenage girls tend to be overly dramatic and i guess it just seems that, at that moment, life as they know it is OVER. i mean, before you're an adult with true grown-up problems, the most catastrophic event in your life may just be that a certain boy doesn't like you or that you can't get your nose pierced and go to a pearl jam concert. though i am incredibly thankful that my life doesn't contain that much drama these days, it's amusing to read my own stories of sweet valley high.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
just a minute
ever have one of those days where you start off with great intentions? the plans in your mind seem attainable and you mentally map out a timeframe of what will get done when? "ok, i'll wash the dishes and get the laundry done before sesame street. we'll do some hooked-on-phonics and have a tea party today. i'll have my quiet time after lunch and organize my recipe binders and coupons during bene's rest time. maybe make a phone call to a long-lost friend, play outside and, at some point, squeeze in some exercise before i get dinner in the oven for a hungry man."
so here comes bene, "play with me", "would you like to sit with me mommy", "let's have a tea party", "do you wanna play pocket girls?" i LOVE playing with her, i love the girly-girl in her, the innocence of her little spirit and i'm honored that she wants to play with me...all..day..long. i think i have as much fun as she does some days, just being a child. no schedule, no set plans. in our pj's until dinner if we want. just us girls.
but my usual response? "just a minute, sweetie. i'll be right there." and then it's an hour or two later and i realize that i haven't offered to blow bubbles outside, read books, or dressed the pocket girls to go their party because i'm so busy straightening the house and folding mounds of laundry. i am by no means a terrific housekeeper but the lazy perfectionist in me wants the house to at least look clean. although i can't remember what month i mopped the kitchen last. i know, it doesn't make any sense.
but i find myself doing the same thing with God. i hear His whispers. i feel the nudge. "just a minute", i say. "i'll be right there". and then i'm not. though, i have found time to take my pregnancy nap, flip through a magazine or do absolutely nothing for two hours. it is so easy for me to forget that God has a daily desire for me to pursue Him and seek the pleasure of His company. sometimes i get so caught up in my own agenda or the dailies of being a housewife that i forget to stop, breathe and be still in the quietness of God. to rest in the presentness of the many moments i'm given everyday. forgive me, Lord for wasting so much time and put in me a spirit to be still and listen for You...and a desire to play polly pockets.
so here comes bene, "play with me", "would you like to sit with me mommy", "let's have a tea party", "do you wanna play pocket girls?" i LOVE playing with her, i love the girly-girl in her, the innocence of her little spirit and i'm honored that she wants to play with me...all..day..long. i think i have as much fun as she does some days, just being a child. no schedule, no set plans. in our pj's until dinner if we want. just us girls.
but my usual response? "just a minute, sweetie. i'll be right there." and then it's an hour or two later and i realize that i haven't offered to blow bubbles outside, read books, or dressed the pocket girls to go their party because i'm so busy straightening the house and folding mounds of laundry. i am by no means a terrific housekeeper but the lazy perfectionist in me wants the house to at least look clean. although i can't remember what month i mopped the kitchen last. i know, it doesn't make any sense.
but i find myself doing the same thing with God. i hear His whispers. i feel the nudge. "just a minute", i say. "i'll be right there". and then i'm not. though, i have found time to take my pregnancy nap, flip through a magazine or do absolutely nothing for two hours. it is so easy for me to forget that God has a daily desire for me to pursue Him and seek the pleasure of His company. sometimes i get so caught up in my own agenda or the dailies of being a housewife that i forget to stop, breathe and be still in the quietness of God. to rest in the presentness of the many moments i'm given everyday. forgive me, Lord for wasting so much time and put in me a spirit to be still and listen for You...and a desire to play polly pockets.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
birtha stewart
so i'm packing my bag for the hospital and i realize that, as usual, i am overpacking. i always overpack. i have folded, refolded, packed and unpacked this suitcase at least three times. somethings gotta give because, though i think i cannot possibly birth a baby without every single thing in my suitcase, i am sure that i can. i mean, moms in other parts of the world birth a baby in a field, strap the baby in a mai tai and get on with their chores. but here i am, packing, among other questionable items, a stamp pad for footprints. honestly? i mean, his feet are not going to grow in three days, right? and do i really need to make keepsake mementos hours after i have pushed a baby out of my body? the martha stewart in me does. of course, if i had made the stamping paper myself from one of the lovely trees in our back yard, sprinkled in some jasmine or other herbs from my porch garden, that would make it all the more special. see, there i go! needless to say, the stamp pad might have to come out along with two of the three relaxation cd's, one of the two bottles of massage oil, one of the cameras, and a few other extra articles of clothing. i will, however, still be taking my large nursing pillow, the yoga ball and all the hard candy i can suck on. but maybe, this will make a bit more room. i mean, we'll be bringing a baby home and he's got to fit in the car when we leave. makes me wonder how i went to africa for two weeks with only a carry-on.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
unfading beauty
"your beauty should not come from outward adornment,
such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry
and fine clothes. instead, it should be that of your
inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet
spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. for
this is the way the holy women of the past who put
their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
you are as Sarah's daughters if you do what is right
and do not give way to fear." ~1 Peter 3:3-6
why do i not remember this scripture when i feel insecure? it is truth, spoken right into my spirit. choosing to believe it, though, proves much more difficult. i can get so wrapped up in my appearance. my flaws and imperfections, really. it consumes my thoughts. it has for years. but i'm much more aware of it now that i'm trying to raise a little girl into a confident, secure and healthy woman. but how can i do that if i don't feel that way myself? and even if i did, how can i protect her from the social standard? i long for the day that i don't confuse my identity with what i look like or an insensitive word spoken over me.
i always feel confident when i read God's truth about me, when i remind myself that i am His creation and He loves me to the universe and back. but i never go to that first. i always overanalyze or feed into my emotions, rather than immediately open His word and remind myself of my true identity.
oh, to be free!!!
Lord, protect my daughter and i from the strongholds of idols and insecurity. let me meditate on your word, Lord and share your truth with her, even at her young age. put in us the ability to separate lies from truth. and give me the freedom to release the fasle beliefs that i've grown so accustomed to.
"i will walk about in freedom, for i have sought out your precepts." ~psalm 119:45
such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry
and fine clothes. instead, it should be that of your
inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet
spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. for
this is the way the holy women of the past who put
their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
you are as Sarah's daughters if you do what is right
and do not give way to fear." ~1 Peter 3:3-6
why do i not remember this scripture when i feel insecure? it is truth, spoken right into my spirit. choosing to believe it, though, proves much more difficult. i can get so wrapped up in my appearance. my flaws and imperfections, really. it consumes my thoughts. it has for years. but i'm much more aware of it now that i'm trying to raise a little girl into a confident, secure and healthy woman. but how can i do that if i don't feel that way myself? and even if i did, how can i protect her from the social standard? i long for the day that i don't confuse my identity with what i look like or an insensitive word spoken over me.
i always feel confident when i read God's truth about me, when i remind myself that i am His creation and He loves me to the universe and back. but i never go to that first. i always overanalyze or feed into my emotions, rather than immediately open His word and remind myself of my true identity.
oh, to be free!!!
Lord, protect my daughter and i from the strongholds of idols and insecurity. let me meditate on your word, Lord and share your truth with her, even at her young age. put in us the ability to separate lies from truth. and give me the freedom to release the fasle beliefs that i've grown so accustomed to.
"i will walk about in freedom, for i have sought out your precepts." ~psalm 119:45
Friday, July 11, 2008
beauty in the ashes
my morning started out like it does every other morning. little hands rubbing my face at 6:20am, "mommy the sky is blue! it's morning time! let's play pocket girls!" she's a girl who knows what she wants and gets right to the point...even at 6am. this morning, i decided to take a shower before we three began our morning kitchen routine of breakfast and talk radio. this is a rare event, as i typically don't get my shower until later in the day, right before bed or hey, sometimes not at all. some of you moms know how it goes...don't lie. i'm getting a bit excited, as i turn to shut the bathroom door, knowing i will have 15 or 20 minutes all to myself. just me and the cool water. i step into the shower and something catches the corner of my eye. what is it? is it alive? a small snake, maybe?! i step back but look closer. whew! it's not a snake. but it IS a mushroom. A MUSHROOM. what? i can hardly believe my eyes. i want to cry because i immediately realize that cannot be good news. in fact, it is more than likely horrible, terribly expensive bad news. but all i can do is laugh and smile, at this tiny little fungus poking through a crack in the window sill.
two weeks ago, our water heater busted and our computer crashed, both within 45 minutes. so there went our emergency fund. all we had saved to cushion ourselves for several months once baby comes. gone. and now we obviously have rotten bathroom walls. aarrgghhh!
of course all of this happens the same month that i am nesting, trying to prepare for another little ponder to join us in a few weeks. nesting is a very cleansing and productive time for me but it is usually mixed with a bit of discouragement and frustration, as i suddenly feel like we need bigger, better, newer everything. i hate that about myself. i hate that i can be so thankful for so many things but feel so deprived and jealous of what everybody else has.
the truth is, God is faithful. we never lack for anything essential. and life is truly good. very good. and it doesn't matter that we only have two closets in our whole house. or that the carpets are stained and i still haven't hung curtains in the three years we've lived here. or that people think we should move into a bigger house now that we'll have two kids. it doesn't matter. because i have a wonderful husband who works incredibly hard to give me the desires of my heart, who tells me he loves me everyday and longs to spend time with me. and a beautiful healthy daughter, who thinks i put the moon in the sky just for her. and wonderful, lovely friends, who laugh and cry with me in times like this.
i'm blessed. mushroom and all.
two weeks ago, our water heater busted and our computer crashed, both within 45 minutes. so there went our emergency fund. all we had saved to cushion ourselves for several months once baby comes. gone. and now we obviously have rotten bathroom walls. aarrgghhh!
of course all of this happens the same month that i am nesting, trying to prepare for another little ponder to join us in a few weeks. nesting is a very cleansing and productive time for me but it is usually mixed with a bit of discouragement and frustration, as i suddenly feel like we need bigger, better, newer everything. i hate that about myself. i hate that i can be so thankful for so many things but feel so deprived and jealous of what everybody else has.
the truth is, God is faithful. we never lack for anything essential. and life is truly good. very good. and it doesn't matter that we only have two closets in our whole house. or that the carpets are stained and i still haven't hung curtains in the three years we've lived here. or that people think we should move into a bigger house now that we'll have two kids. it doesn't matter. because i have a wonderful husband who works incredibly hard to give me the desires of my heart, who tells me he loves me everyday and longs to spend time with me. and a beautiful healthy daughter, who thinks i put the moon in the sky just for her. and wonderful, lovely friends, who laugh and cry with me in times like this.
i'm blessed. mushroom and all.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
but now i'm found
bene daye. she is a sweet reminder of God's love for me, all wrapped up in a beautiful, brown-skinned, blue-eyed darling.
everyday, for the past four weeks, she hides when she hears demetrius pull down our street. we hear the rumble of his engine, and suddenly, the house is filled with shrieking, giggling and little feet tearing through the house to find the perfect hiding spot. she can hardly contain herself and keep quiet when he comes through the door and he grins because he knows the routine. but the sweetness of it all, is in her excitement to see him, to be near him. he walks from room to room, pretending he has no idea where she is, though he's walked right past the giddy, ghost-shaped blanket in the corner of the room. she can barely contain herself, knowing that he is right there, she is almost found. "daddy, i'm in here!", she yells, realizing he has left the room to look for her. she wants so desperately to be found by him. and when she is, the smile on her face is like nothing i could ever do for her. it's him. only daddy.
she still has the innocence of a child, unclouded by the insecurities and shame that so often come with the territory of being a girl. i hide for all the wrong reasons. fear of being known, fear of rejection, fear of failure. but my Father is pursuing me just the same. He is always searching for me, yet knows my exact location. i cannot hide from Him. He is always there, waiting for me to invite Him to find me.
everyday, for the past four weeks, she hides when she hears demetrius pull down our street. we hear the rumble of his engine, and suddenly, the house is filled with shrieking, giggling and little feet tearing through the house to find the perfect hiding spot. she can hardly contain herself and keep quiet when he comes through the door and he grins because he knows the routine. but the sweetness of it all, is in her excitement to see him, to be near him. he walks from room to room, pretending he has no idea where she is, though he's walked right past the giddy, ghost-shaped blanket in the corner of the room. she can barely contain herself, knowing that he is right there, she is almost found. "daddy, i'm in here!", she yells, realizing he has left the room to look for her. she wants so desperately to be found by him. and when she is, the smile on her face is like nothing i could ever do for her. it's him. only daddy.
she still has the innocence of a child, unclouded by the insecurities and shame that so often come with the territory of being a girl. i hide for all the wrong reasons. fear of being known, fear of rejection, fear of failure. but my Father is pursuing me just the same. He is always searching for me, yet knows my exact location. i cannot hide from Him. He is always there, waiting for me to invite Him to find me.
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