unfading beauty

"your beauty should not come from outward adornment,
such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry
and fine clothes. instead, it should be that of your
inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet
spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. for
this is the way the holy women of the past who put
their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
you are as Sarah's daughters if you do what is right
and do not give way to fear." ~1 Peter 3:3-6

why do i not remember this scripture when i feel insecure? it is truth, spoken right into my spirit. choosing to believe it, though, proves much more difficult. i can get so wrapped up in my appearance. my flaws and imperfections, really. it consumes my thoughts. it has for years. but i'm much more aware of it now that i'm trying to raise a little girl into a confident, secure and healthy woman. but how can i do that if i don't feel that way myself? and even if i did, how can i protect her from the social standard? i long for the day that i don't confuse my identity with what i look like or an insensitive word spoken over me.
i always feel confident when i read God's truth about me, when i remind myself that i am His creation and He loves me to the universe and back. but i never go to that first. i always overanalyze or feed into my emotions, rather than immediately open His word and remind myself of my true identity.
oh, to be free!!!

Lord, protect my daughter and i from the strongholds of idols and insecurity. let me meditate on your word, Lord and share your truth with her, even at her young age. put in us the ability to separate lies from truth. and give me the freedom to release the fasle beliefs that i've grown so accustomed to.

"i will walk about in freedom, for i have sought out your precepts." ~psalm 119:45

beauty in the ashes

my morning started out like it does every other morning. little hands rubbing my face at 6:20am, "mommy the sky is blue! it's morning time! let's play pocket girls!" she's a girl who knows what she wants and gets right to the point...even at 6am. this morning, i decided to take a shower before we three began our morning kitchen routine of breakfast and talk radio. this is a rare event, as i typically don't get my shower until later in the day, right before bed or hey, sometimes not at all. some of you moms know how it goes...don't lie. i'm getting a bit excited, as i turn to shut the bathroom door, knowing i will have 15 or 20 minutes all to myself. just me and the cool water. i step into the shower and something catches the corner of my eye. what is it? is it alive? a small snake, maybe?! i step back but look closer. whew! it's not a snake. but it IS a mushroom. A MUSHROOM. what? i can hardly believe my eyes. i want to cry because i immediately realize that cannot be good news. in fact, it is more than likely horrible, terribly expensive bad news. but all i can do is laugh and smile, at this tiny little fungus poking through a crack in the window sill.
two weeks ago, our water heater busted and our computer crashed, both within 45 minutes. so there went our emergency fund. all we had saved to cushion ourselves for several months once baby comes. gone. and now we obviously have rotten bathroom walls. aarrgghhh!
of course all of this happens the same month that i am nesting, trying to prepare for another little ponder to join us in a few weeks. nesting is a very cleansing and productive time for me but it is usually mixed with a bit of discouragement and frustration, as i suddenly feel like we need bigger, better, newer everything. i hate that about myself. i hate that i can be so thankful for so many things but feel so deprived and jealous of what everybody else has.
the truth is, God is faithful. we never lack for anything essential. and life is truly good. very good. and it doesn't matter that we only have two closets in our whole house. or that the carpets are stained and i still haven't hung curtains in the three years we've lived here. or that people think we should move into a bigger house now that we'll have two kids. it doesn't matter. because i have a wonderful husband who works incredibly hard to give me the desires of my heart, who tells me he loves me everyday and longs to spend time with me. and a beautiful healthy daughter, who thinks i put the moon in the sky just for her. and wonderful, lovely friends, who laugh and cry with me in times like this.
i'm blessed. mushroom and all.